I miss the stage. So its an awesome blessing that while I’m being super mommy ( the hardest and best “job” ever – no sick days, 24 hours and then some ) I get to live vicariously through Lukas. He’s been away night after night rehearsing (something that would really impede my choice of attachment parenting right now) for the opening of Cal in Camo , opening tonight at The Sherry Theater! Even while we were in NYC last week for production meetings and to watch our LA family/good friends Brian Lally and Scott Haze perform at the Rattlestick, Lukas was busy busy busy getting ready for the play.
While Lukas was rehearsing, Sterling and I explored the amazing city that I lived in years ago as a young model with the renowned FORD modeling agency. What a joy it was to discover New York fresh, with clear eyes, unclouded by the teen angst and addiction that stole my happiness and my ability to enjoy my travels for so many years.
One of the most amazing moments of the trip was sitting on a bench in Central Park with Sterling asleep in my arms thanks to my trusty sling, breathing in the absolute beauty of the park (something I NEVER did when I actually lived here) and meditating, saying prayers of gratitude and giving tearful thanks for restoration, for the ability to be a sober mom and enjoy this life I have been blessed with. If I’m honest I must say that at the same time there is a small part of me that misses the action of my busy acting life before Sterling. Recently I was reading about women filmmakers and a quote by Sarah Polley hit me: “I think there’s got to be a culture in which women are permitted to have time with their families and also have a great work ethic and make movies,” she says. “Right now, that doesn’t exist.”(sidenote: Actress Ally Sheedy, who is also appearing at the Rattlestick Theater is a fellow mom. Her kid just went off to college so she’s returning to the stage now!) But here’s the difference. It’s like holding a rain drop in the palm of your hand and cherishing it, believing it is all the water that exists in the world, then suddenly being swept up in a mighty river and tossed this way and that in the great white current as you gasp for air in between each giant swallow of pure perfect water, fighting it at first and then somehow by some unseen grace surrendering to it and letting yourself be carried on that current out into a huge, endless blue and deep as the night sky is dark mighty mighty ocean . That is the difference between fulfillment of my artistic career and the fulfillment of motherhood and artistic family-birthing momma, wife, nurturer, caregiver, lover, creator, co-producer, sometimes actor, poet, teacher, preacher, warrior, leader, peacemaker, blossoming where you are planted life liver. LIFE IS GOOD.